I figured I should finally take myself down huh

Yet another guest post by Misguided Mommy

The details of this night are a little blurry because well, you'll see.

So I was about 14 years old and just a few weeks from starting high school. Katie and I decided we were going to head up to the Northwest to hang out with our friend Alisha. Somehow we ended up at the local kids baseball field to watch a game. There was some super hot guy there who I was infatuated with. I was doing some pretty heavy flirting and things were going great. At some point we wander across the street to this guys house. Oh this is so embarrassing and mortifying. So. This guy offers us a few beers and of course we were all okay yay woohoo beer. Somehow this turns into a chugging contest between me and the guy. I believe I told him I could drink a beer in under 30 seconds. If you think you know where this is going you are sooo very very wrong. So I actually drink the beer in under 30 and beat the guy. Well at this point we are out of beer so he tells me he is bringing me some liquor. (I am shaking my head so bad at this story). I proceed to try and chug said bottle of liquor and do a pretty great job for half the bottle and finish of the other half fairly quick. This is where things get kind of fuzzy. Suddenly I go from totally normal to shit your pants drunk. I was fucked up. Not a little drunk, not messed up, but just plain fucked up. So fucked up that I am now (I really can't explain this) laying on the sidewalk rolling down the street in front of the baseball field and this guys house. When I say rolling I mean I am laying on my side rolling the way you would roll down a hill as a child. After much rolling with no purpose I stammer over to the baseball field. I proceed to get into a huge fight with some guy who wants to tell me to calm down. He was big. Big and green and the next day looked an awful lot like a green giant trash can. I scream at the trash can (the whole time really thinking it is a person) and then feel bad and begin to hug the trash can and express my sorrows for being so mean. I am literally hugging this trash and then decide I want this guy to come sit with me so I begin trying to drag my trash friend to the bleachers with me. Well the trash was chained to the fence so he obviously wasn't coming. At this point I start bawling because he won't come. I start shouting "why don't' you like me why won't you come sit with me" to the trash. I should take this time to mention that this trash was chained to the fence located by first base. The hot guy I was chasing played first base. So that means hot guy and his coach are just staring at me yell at this trash dumbfounded. Eventually my friend pry me off the trash and I go rolling (yes I am rolling again) across the field towards the bleachers. It is at this point that I realize I am going to puke while I am laying in the dirt. So I devise a plan that I am going to dig a hole in the dirt and puke in there. Only problem (which I did not know at the time) is that this was packed dirt so there was no digging, but in my drunken state I dug a HUGE MASSIVE hole. So I proceed to puke in my imaginary hole and then cover it up with a little dirt, then puke and cover and so on. I'm doing this about 10 feet from the bleachers so I'm in clear view of, oh, EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM. Right around this time the game gets out and hot guy walks up to my friends and I (I'm still laying in the dirt) to find out if I'm okay. I look up at him, flash him a sexy smile and puke directly on his cleats. Then I proceed to throw some dirt on them and tell him, "shhh you can't see it." So he goes to leave clearly grossed out and I start shouting out "REMEMBER TAG LOAD, TAG LOAD THAT SPELLS MY PAGER NUMBER CALL ME TAG LOAD TAG LOAD." Oh yeah I as just a big ball of sexy huh. My friends at this point realize that I'm not going to make it home on my own so Alisha puts me on her back and begins carrying me to her house (to this day I swear we went left but I guess we went right). Halfway there they realize they can't carry me anymore so they put me down and decide to wait for a cab. At this point I'm laying on the lawn of a church with my head hanging off the curb puking into the gutter when this jeep full of hot guys drives by. I lift up my head and shout, "hey baby" while still puking. The guys got grossed out and drove off just in time for Katie to flag down a cab, grab my wallet and pay for the cab ride to Alishas house. We get to her house and I commence puking. I am in the bathroom puking and puking and crying CALL MY MOMMY CALL MY MOMMY. After almost an hour of puking they call my mom. She says, put her in bed and she will be fine in the morning. I flip the fuck out and start historically crying that I need my mommy and puking more and more and more and am now puking blood. I should also mention I was naked because I also tried to pee while puking. So my mom finally shows up throws me in the back of the rodeo with Katie and takes me to the hospital. I have no recollection of any of this up until the next day. They take me to the hospital where they actually thought I was going to die. I guess I was shouting out that I wanted my dad (who was dead) and would not quit freaking out. Then suddenly I passed cold out and that is when they started to really worry that I might die. I guess right around the time they told my mom she should call someone for support I sat straight up and shouted I HAVE TO PEE. The next morning I woke up on my floor while Katie was asleep in my bed. When I asked my mom why she told me it was because at some point in the night I was so drunk I had actually crapped all over myself and she wasn't letting me in my expensive sheets covered in shit! Great. So I spent the better part of the morning in the shower scrubbing puke and crusted poop off of myself. This might be the first time I was actually grounded in my life.

Now, you want to know what it was that made me so drunk? Sure of course you do. It wasn't the "liquor" it was a fucking bottle of blueberry cooking sherry. COOKING SHERRY. I had polished off about 3 beers and a damn bottle of cooking sherry! Yeah no wonder I was totally fucked up huh.

My mom still brings this up and still gets pissed off at me. I really wonder if that guy ever remembers the girl who puked all up on his cleats.

Turns out that kid who gave me the sherry was 18 and he ended up in biiiiig trouble for providing alcohol to us. But seriously what kind of rookie was I that I chugged cooking sherry?