Pouring my heart out...

To celebrate my blog being 1 year old, I gave my loyal readers the opportunity to ask me whatever they wanted and I would answer as honestly as I could bring myself to answer! So here we go...

I'm starting with Patty's question because it is the most fun to answer and the easiest. Patty asked "What are the top 3 places in the world you still want to visit?" Admittedly I thought this question would be the easier thing to answer but it's not, because I want to go so many places! If I had to choose, I would pick Belize (to go kayaking and diving in the Blue Hole), Costa Rica (because something has always drawn me to this place, plus I've heard it's an amazing place to visit) and back to Australia (but instead of traveling the East coast like I did before, I was to visit places like Ayer's Rock, Darwin, Perth and Western Australia).

Misguided Mommy asked me these questions (but only to make herself seem like she really cares about the answers when all she really wants me to answer is the REAL question she asked me via email...in case I didn't want to answer it...). Here are her easy questions first "would you rather give up alcohol or sweets if you were forced? And none of this, i don't have to make this choice so I wont answer, you have to answer. Your stranded on an island. You are supplied with all the food, water and necessities to thrive. You can bring 3 things that do not plug in what are they?" She knows me too well, normally when asked questions like this I always answer with "I don't know, I don't have to choose so why should I?" but I said I would answer anything so here we go. I would most definitely give up alcohol over sweets. I really do not drink that often (although I may drink to get drunk when I drink, I mean, why consume the calories without the freedom and craziness that comes with being drunk!). Also, if I gave up sweets I would lose the group of food products that I absolutely ROCK at cooking/baking. And you can't cook if you don't taste your products, right? Next, The 3 items that do not plug in, I would take to a stranded island, if I were given food, water and necessities to survive, I would take with me: "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I just recently finished reading this book but it is an amazing book, it combines everything from a modern day fairy tale to a spiritual guide for the modern woman into one book. It has the ability to make you think, and to take you to far away places, which is exactly the kind of book you want to be reading if you are stranded on an island. I would also take with me snorkel gear because I enjoying looking at the fish and it might also come in handy if I need to catch fish, and a kayak. A kayak might not get me off the island (as if I would want to leave a deserted island) but it would give me something to do, and also a mode of transportation around the island.

Sara (hi there by the way, I don't think we've met before) asked me "Tell us about your favorite sexual encounter." My good friend Dyan asked "Ok... I have a question for you.... in all your traveling escapades.... have you ever had a secret foreign lover? Something I always wondered and never heard you say.... indulge me ~" I plan to answer both of these in one question so here we go...I have 2 very different favorite sexual encounters. The first one is the first time I slept with my fuck buddy. At the time, we were still kind-of, sort-of maybe trying to date. We were 18 and freshmen in college and both very inexperienced in the sack. We were SOOOO nervous. He had invited me over 'to study' (to his credit, we did have a class together, but I think we both knew there was no studying that was going to happen). I got to his house (that he shared with like 4 other guys, all older than us and, well, they were typical college guys...they had a poster in their living room demonstrating how to put a condom on. A handmade poster. Need I say more?). The one thing I have always loved about FB is that no matter how casual our relationship has gotten, he really is a great guy at heart. He acts like a bad ass around his buddies but he really is just a nice guy with a kind heart. This never showed more than this night. We 'studied' for a while, mostly just turned pages in our books and pretending that we were studying. We eventually started kissing and one thing led to another and the moment I will remember for the rest of my life is that right before we did the deed, he was holding his body above mine and he was shaking, just a little but, because he was so nervous. It was THE MOST ADORABLE THING I have ever seen. That is my first favorite sexual encounter. My second will answer both Sara's and Dyan's question. And sadly this one doesn't end in me actually getting any action, but it's a good story none-the-less. When I was traveling around Australia, about half way through my trip I found myself staying at a hostel in Caines. From there I took a weekend trip to some hostel in the Daintree rainforest. I had expected it to be all warm and sunny but it ended up raining and being cold most of the time I was at this hostel, and I only had a small weekend bag with me so I pretty much had nothing to do. Neither did anyone else there. The first night at dinner there was a group of people eating. A girl I had been talking with earlier was there, along with these 2 guys and this other girl. Since I was by myself I asked if I could join them. Turns out the 2 guys were friends and traveling together (from Canada) and the other girl was from Canada as well, but not with the guys. Me and one of the guys hit it off and started drinking. Did I mention at the time I was drinking A LOT and could keep up with a 200 lb guy from Canada (we drank a lot, I lost track after about an hour and about 10 pints of beer...). The other's hung out with us for a while but around 1 am (when the 'bar' closed) but we somehow convinced the 'bartender' to keep giving us beers, since she couldn't sell them to us anymore. I use the term 'bar' loosely by the way. Around 4 am (and half the supply of beer in all of Australia later) we finally decided to call it a night. Nothing happened that night, I just stumbled up the stairs to my cabin and passed out (luckily I made it to my bed first...I think). The next night pretty much the same thing happened. Again, ending with me stumbling back to my bed alone. I left the next morning to go back to the hostel in Caines and truthfully regretted not getting some drunken rainforest action. I got back to Caines and spent the next day relaxing and recovering from my 2 nights of severe drinking. The next day I had left to do something fun and when I got back that evening, I ran into my drinking partner in the lobby. Turns out they had decided to come to Caines a few days early because of something to do with his buddy (I didn't really get along that well with his buddy so I didn't pay much attention to him...). I should explain, these guys were a little older (he was 37 and his friend was about the same) but they loved traveling. My drinking partner had gotten recently divorced and had come with his buddy for the hell of it, but they tended to do their own thing a lot so I ended up hanging out with him quite a bit without his friend. That night we all went to dinner at a bar in town. After dinner his buddy left and it was me, my DB (drinking buddy) and the other Canadian girl. I should also explain that the other Canadian girl was a bitch. An annoying, weird looking giant of a girl (she was like 6 feet tall and wasn't skinny, although not really fat, just a little heavy) who thought that she was god's gift to the planet and was so much smarter than everyone else just because she was (a) Canadian and (b) doing medical research or some shit like that. She annoyed the fuck out of me. Plus she liked my DB because she annoyingly followed them to Caines. Ohhh, she pissed me off. Which just meant that I wanted to piss her off. Which means I let my DB buy all my drinks when he offered, and not to her, and I let her buy my drinks because she stupidly try to buy DB drinks and then he would order a round for all 3 of us and she wasn't rude enough to say she wouldn't pay for the round. It also meant that every chance I got, I put my hands all over DB and sat next to him any chance I got. So there were all 3 of us, drinking and hanging out and dancing. We were all hanging out by the dance floor and pool tables when DB left to get me and him another round of beers. While we were standing there, these guys playing pool came up to me and one of them said "hey, it's my buddies birthday, will you give him a kiss." And right then DB came back and I said, "Nope, sorry I can't" and then I leaned into DB's side and said "that guy right there was trying to convince me to kiss him because it was his birthday" in a (drunk) attempt to get him to kiss me. He responded "it's starting to look more and more like my birthday..." and then we kissed. With the other stupid Canadian girl standing right there. And we kept kissing...and kept kissing...and kept kissing...get the drift yet? No, ok, well we kept on kissing for a very long time. Finally she interrupted us to say she was going to take off. At that point we just wanted to do more than kiss so we said we would walk back with her. She tried so hard to not to have to walk back with us but at that point I was being a total bitch to her and he just wanted to get laid so we all walked back together, stopping at the store to buy some more beer and some snacks. We held hands and were all touchy touchy the whole way back. It was like a 10 minute walk. We got back to the hostel and all sat down in the courtyard area. DB had me put my feet in his lap and was stroking my legs and the Canadian chick had had enough so she went to bed. We sat there and talked for a while, not entirely sure how to get back to the intense kissing we had at the bar, and not entirely sure were to go to have sex. We were both staying in shared rooms so we each had like 4 other people in our rooms, and no matter how drunk I am, I cannot have sex in front of that many strangers, especially if it means waking them up from a dead sleep. In our drunken horny haze we decided the men's bathroom would do. Did I mention how drunk we were and how horny we were? In retrospect, there were much more suitable places but it was the closest and we were VERY DRUNK AND VERY HORNY. So we 'snuck' into the bathroom, went in the shower stall and stared making out and getting undressed. Then someone came in the bathroom. We froze, hoping it was just some late night guy going piss. Nope, it was the damn night manager for the hostel. All I remember him saying is "Is there a female in here" and us trying to hide my flip flops and DB trying to lie and say he was just taking a shower. All the while trying to get my clothes back on. We eventually had to give it up and admit we were in there, he took our names and sent us to our rooms. So even though I never actually got any sex, this is a great memory because it was hilarious and also I was proud of going after the guy I wanted like I did. Plus, like I said, I hated that stupid Canadian girl and I totally stole the guy from her.

Whew...ready for a break yet. I am, I'll be back soon...

I left the question asked by Misguided Mommy until the end because it was the hardest question for me to answer. I actually cried a little bit when I first read this email because I know it came from a place of love and caring.

Misguided Mommy said "okay, so something i've wanted to ask for a while now. Why do you really have no interest in losing weight? I no longer look at this from a vein image sort of view but from a health, heart point of view, what is the actual reason? DON'T KILL ME, IT'S JUST AFTER LEARNING THE DAMAGE I WAS DOING TO MY BODY I'M REALLY LOOKING AT EVERYONE AROUND ME SAYING HEY I WANT YOU TO BE AROUND FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS YOU KNOW, JUST ASK ROB, HE ISN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE BACON MORE THEN LIKE ONCE A MONTH ANYMORE! I"M ALL OVER LISA ABOUT IT, AND ANGIE, AND MY MOM, AND MY DAD, AND MY KIDS, AND MY GRANDMA AND............ SERIOUSLY I'M TOTALLY HAPPY WEIGHING 160 RIGHT NOW BUT NOW, IT'S ALL ABOUT BEING HEALTHY FOR MY KIDS AND FAMILY SO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR ASKING THAT. ALSO I SENT IT VIA EMAIL SO YOU CAN TOTALLY CHOOSE TO NOT POST IT IF YOU WANT! Some things I've learned lately, any thing over a 40" waist is considered a heart attack waist. The weight around your belly is the worst for you (which sucks cuz thats where i have the most) and that women are so much more susceptible to heart conditions. A size 40" waist isn't even bad I'm about a 40 now and again I think I look fine. You know I've been hinting about this for a while with the Tummy Tuck blog, I just honestly reallllly worry about your health. I'm such a moron, but I just love you. be honest let me know if i'm pissing you off!"

Shannon and I have been friends for a very long time and I know that she cares about me. In person she has never asked me about by weight, and we have had very few conversation about my weight. We talk about hers all the time. I am going to start this off my saying that I know it all. I know all of the facts about weight, about belly fat being the biggest indicator of future heart problems, I know about the good food, I know what you should eat and what you shouldn't. I am very educated about calories and nutrition and exercise and weight problems. I also know that most of the reason's I hold on to weight are emotional. While I could definitely eat better than I do, I actually eat pretty good and always have. I do eat fast food, but only 1-2 times a month. I do eat sweets, but I generally feel satisfy after 1 piece of chocolate or a few bites of cake. I eat fruits and veggies. I don't fry very many things and I use olive old and eat mostly organic products and try to avoid overly processed foods most of the time. I also don't generally overeat when I am happy, sad, depressed or any of those things. All of these things are generalizations because I do eat crap as well, I have a slightly addictive relationship with Fruit Gushers and Marshmallows, and I also enjoy soda (I limit myself to 1 a day, most days I drink about half of that soda and toss the rest) and I also enjoy foo-foo coffee drinks. Foo-Foo coffee drinks are my ultimate downfall. They are like crack for me! I am completely obsessed with them even though I am fully aware the havoc they wreak on my stomach, my waistline and my wallet! That being said, I have always been a little on the heavy side even though, as a family, we eat very well. Most of my family is. Not that that is an excuse because my sister isn't and she came from the same gene pool as me. Even when I was in the best shape of my life (on the varsity swim team, kickboxing a few days a week, going to the gym 4-5 days a week, hiking, backpacking, etc.) I was still what most would consider plus size. This was ok with me because I knew that i was in shape. I have read several articles saying that also long as you are cardiovascularly fit (could walk up x number of stairs or some shit without getting out of breath) that you are actually at no more of a risk than a skinny person of the same fitness level, even if you carry a little extra weight. This was me, I was very fit, very muscular and still a little on the heavy side. This is until I went to college. I got lazy and overwhelmed. My weight has actually changed very little since my sophomore year in college, the only difference is that my muscle is no longer muscle, it is now fat. My body has totally changed even though I essentially weigh the same (give or take 10 lbs). I mentioned that a large reason I have held onto the weight I have is emotional. There are a lot of things about my life that I am unhappy about. I am unhappy that I have a very large amount of credit card debt, that which only is getting larger and larger because I spend more every month than I make. I am unhappy that I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and that I work at a job that I am not really happy about. I like it but I know I will never like it more than I do now, and that just doesn't settle well with me. Plus I work long hours, don't get paid for anything past 40 hours, and take a lot of shit from clients and from people I work with. I am unhappy that I let myself get this out of shape, but am too tired at the end of the day to do anything about it. I am unhappy that it seems like everybody's life is moving forward and mine is stagnant. I am unhappy that I've never had a real relationship, and have no idea how to proceed to get one. I am unhappy that I feel like maybe I don't deserve a relationship, don't deserve to be loved by someone because of whatever reasons... All of this translates into why I don't want to lose weight, I deep down, don't really think I deserve it. I've always day dreamed a lot. I still do once in a while. Almost without fail, all of these start out with "when I lose some weight" or "I'm skinnier by then of course" and then some rendition of 'he likes me' of 'I finally got the dream job' or 'I finally paid off my debt.' I use my weight as the excuse why I am unhappy. Why I am single, why I am stuck in debt, why I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. Logically, I know that my weight has little to no affect on me being single, in debt or unhappy with my life, but it is the one thing I can understand, and it is the one thing I blame for all my misfortune. Losing the weight would remove my scape-goat. It would make me face those factors without 40 extra pounds masking the view. As a logical smart person, I know this is what needs to happen for me to get past my unhappiness but I haven't accepted that I deserve that yet. I am not sure where to go from here. I have made recent efforts to eat better, eat veggies more often, eating breakfast (more than just a foo-foo coffee drink) and now the next step is getting my ass exercising more often. Then you have the whole 'accepting that I deserve to be healthy and love myself and blah blah blah'. That whole thing.

So there we go, that is why I haven't made any solid attempt to lose weight. I don't think I deserve it. I now I am crying because that seems even stupider written down than it does in my head.

Now that I am done pouring my heart out about everything from my weight to some hot and heavy details, I hope I let you guys see a little bit more about myself. As always, I welcome other questions (you didn't miss your one and only chance) or comments. I also have a few more questions I haven't answered but I am done for the day, I will post the rest tomorrow.