So let me preface this by saying I am by no means in a position to be thinking about something like this seriously, it is just a random thought that has crossed my mind lately. It's a problem that Carrie in Sex and the City came across when she was dating 'the Russian', and I am sure hundreds of other women have come across. Would you give up having kids to be with a man who didn't want children?
The other night Memphis and I were talking. I was talking about going to the Earth Day celebration with Shannon and her kids and talking about how much fun it was, but how it made me think even further if that is something I want. I've been thinking a lot about kids lately. Shannon has her 2 wonderful boys. Another friend of mine has recently revealed she really wants kids, my other friend and her fiance want kids in the next few years. And here I am, looking at them like they are all a little crazy. I like kids, and it's entirely possible that my biological clock hasn't started ticking, but more and more I'm starting to wonder if I want to bring a child into the world we live in nowadays. If I want to give up all the things you have to give up to have kids. Memphis said he doesn't want kids, loves them, but doesn't want them. He had his reasons, and I related to everything he said. I always thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but now that I have gotten older. Now that I have seen the life you can live without children, I'm not sure I want them. The thing is...I'm not sure I don't want them either. I've also seen some of my friends with kids, and seen the joy and love that having kids can bring to your life.
So tell me...
Would you give up having kids to be with a man who didn't want children? What about if you, yourself, weren't sure you wanted kids? Would you give up the option of ever having them to, ideally, spend the rest of your life with an amazing man?
Friday, April 25, 2008
What would you give up?
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5 comments:
Here's my two cents: I think you have to know what you really want. It doesn't have to do with the man you are with at all. I know deep down in my heart I want to be a mother, so whether that means I have a kid, adopt one, have one with a friend, artificial insemination or whatever. I want to be a mom. If a guy in my life does not want to have kids he has to accept the fact that I do and either be with me or not. That's just what I know about me.
NO never. I'm going to say this right now, and it will sound kinda mean but, it really isn't. Having kids is the most selfless thing a person can do. Not having them is selfish. BUT a selfish person shouldn't have kids. Like you have said you've seen the life you can live with out kids while I have seen that life too, i've also had kids and now know i can still live that life. I already plan to go back to Hawaii in three more years with both my kids. Personally I would give up the chance to ever go to Austrailia or London or wherever, just to hear my son say I Lub You Mom.
HOWEVER, do I think all people can say the same? NO. I think there are some people who just aren't meant to be parents. They aren't meant to give up their lives. And I think if those people did that there is a large chance they would always deep down resent their kids.
I truly feel like there are people who are just better being selfish. I suck at that. I won't spend money on me. That is something I learned when I got married, I'm the type of person who would rather spend the money on others. Soooo even if I didn't have kids, but I was still married, I still wouldn't go out and buy purses, or trinkets or go on vacation, I would just spend more on Rob. Like I said, I think some people are meant for kids and some aren't.
And honestly, some times I look at you and I think, you would be so much happier being married to a man and spending your life having adventures alone just the two of you discovering the world, rather then being a soccer mom.
The cool thing is that now it's normal to have kids at 40 so even if you got married, lived your life and 15 years from now changed your mind...well, you would still be young enough to have kids and make the decision together.
I agree with Patty, you have to know what you really want because you don't want to marry some guy that doesn't want kids and then decide you want them. That isn't fair to anyone.
I would NEVER marry someone who didn't want kids because I have always wanted them. I told Erick from the beginning of our relationship that I wanted to get married and have kids and if that isn't what he wanted them he needed to tell me- because he was with the WRONG GIRL.
So yeah. For me the kids thing was a deal breaker. But it might not be for you. You just need to figure that out...
Sorry- I don't know if that was good advice or not.
also, i'm the kind of person who would go to hawaii with my kids and visit like a sandals resort. you are the kind of person who would go to hawaii and have sex on the beach with your husband..something i would never be brave enough to do. that statement right there tells me maybe kids aren't for you
Ok... first - it is completely ok to not want kids at all.... My sister has made a firm decision to never, ever have kids.... she doesnt want kids, although she loves them and is good with them (unlike her weird sister who wants them SO bad)!!! My sister gets bad things said to her about not wanting kids from her friends that do have them.... she just says it's a personal choice.... so, I do not believe that anyone should ever push their beliefs onto someone else (has taken me awhile to see that this really isn't a good idea... and yes, I used to be this type of person). Sorry, needed to get that tangent out (My mother is in denile about becoming a Grandmother sooner than later... she isnt ready yet... and therefore tells me when I will be ready in her eyes)
Second: (might sound weird)- it is ok to not really know what you want in life in regards to everything.... my god, this has been half of my life, figuring out what I truly want.... and I still don't have it all figured out and planned like a blue-print. I have done things because there is a pattern or they are expected of me.... I am learning that it is ok to not really know your stance on (things) kids yet, ESPECIALLY if you are in a new relationship. If you don't know, don't make any decisions.... you'll know when it comes to you (this is how I am finding out)... and if it doesn't come to you, then your answer is simple - not for you. I used to say I wouldn't have kids, they used to annoy me sorta.... but we all know now, I am counting down the days until I am pregnant.... so goes to show that wants can change.
As far as giving up something you really want to be with a perfect man.... I agre with the rest of the folks, never give up what you TRULY want... if you figure it out and you know that that is something you truly want, then no person should be forced to give that up... and that goes both ways too....
Yes, this is how my brain works... scary isn't it?
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