Hmmm, does this seem strange to you?

So I realize I've been talking about sex a lot lately. But I mean, I'm finally getting some and it's all I seem to be thinking about, so here is yet another post about sex. And politics.

Last night, Dallas came over for a little late night booty call. He was supposed to stop by after work, but around 9pm (and after a bottle of cheap wine) I sent him a text message that might have been slightly vulgar...but I won't subject you to that, I just wanted to see where he was and encourage him to come over. He sent me one back "On my way" so 45 minutes later he finally showed up, dressed in sweats and said he was already in bed because he forgot about coming over! What kind of guy forgets about a booty call? Shouldn't I be the one forgetting? I am sure you can figure out what happened next, but the following conversation occurred, post-coital:

Him: You know it would be nice if we actually went out sometime, I don't want to just come over here and bang.
Me: Umm, yeah, I guess we could go out sometime. I mean we were going to have dinner that first night, that never happened though.

Now wait a minute...shouldn't I be the one saying that I want more than just sex out of a relationship. The thing is, we laid in bed talking for a while after this and I'm not so sure I want anything more from him than sex. Or even that anymore. I mean, he's really good in bed. But he is a gun-toting, Bush-adoring, pro-war, gas-guzzling republican. I don't talk about politics much but I am definitely a liberal. I'm not sure I would class myself as a democrat, because I don't really believe there is a big difference between Democrats and Republicans, but I am definitely more of a granola crunching, anti-Bush, tree-hugger type than most. I'm not one to throw someone aside just because they are a Republican, but WOW, he is really a Republican. AND HE REALLY LIKES BUSH. LIKE THINKS HE HAS DONE AN AMAZING JOB IN THE PAST 8 (7?) YEARS. LIKE ADORES HIM. LIKE I COULDN'T GET HIM TO STOP GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW GOOD OF A JOB HE THINKS BUSH HAS DONE.

So now I am torn, he's really good in bed, but I'm not entirely sure I can morally let someone who likes Bush THAT much in my bed EVER AGAIN! And I definitely don't want to be subjected to that type of Bush-loving ranting ever again. Especially in my bed, while I'm naked!

Ahhh, Thursday night with Memphis is looking more and more appealing.

When it's so good the earth moves...

Friday night Memphis came over. I made this for dinner, only with chicken instead of steak. We shared a bottle of wine and some good conversation. It was a good night. No, a great night. Want to know why? I mean, the food was good, the wine was good, the company was great. But it was this next thing that made the night memorable. For those of you not familiar with the Reno area, we have been having a shitload of earthquakes lately. Last weekend there was something like 250 recorded earthquakes. Most are so small no-one feels them, but the biggest one (a 4.7 magnitude) hit on Friday night around 11:30 pm. While most people were being jarred awake by the earth shaking, or things being flung from cabinets or falling off walls, I was enjoying something so much better. While the earth was ACTUALLY shaking, I was having my world rocked. It's not too often you can say someone rocked your world, and mean it both literally and figuratively.

And the best part (well...maybe not the best part) of the evening, was that he even did my dishes again. Hmmm, life has been pretty good lately.

Workplace Hazards

So I realize that we all have certain workplace hazards that we have to deal with as part of our jobs. For some it may be paper cuts, for some it may be heavy equipment, for some it may be hazardous chemicals...for me, it is this: (sorry in advance for the crappy cell phone pics)

The fact that I work we people who like cake. And people who actually make cake. For any reason whatsoever...

And you know...the infamous candy bowl...

And then there's the the extra supply of candy for the candy bowl. That is about $80 worth of candy that will last us about 3 weeks...seriously, we spend so much money on candy.

And then there's the most recent addition, yes folks, that is a popcorn maker! We got it as a gimmick for our trade shows, but I believe we are now having what is referred to as "Popcorn Friday's" around here.

Sigh, no wonder I can't seem to loose weight!

What would you give up?

So let me preface this by saying I am by no means in a position to be thinking about something like this seriously, it is just a random thought that has crossed my mind lately. It's a problem that Carrie in Sex and the City came across when she was dating 'the Russian', and I am sure hundreds of other women have come across. Would you give up having kids to be with a man who didn't want children?

The other night Memphis and I were talking. I was talking about going to the Earth Day celebration with Shannon and her kids and talking about how much fun it was, but how it made me think even further if that is something I want. I've been thinking a lot about kids lately. Shannon has her 2 wonderful boys. Another friend of mine has recently revealed she really wants kids, my other friend and her fiance want kids in the next few years. And here I am, looking at them like they are all a little crazy. I like kids, and it's entirely possible that my biological clock hasn't started ticking, but more and more I'm starting to wonder if I want to bring a child into the world we live in nowadays. If I want to give up all the things you have to give up to have kids. Memphis said he doesn't want kids, loves them, but doesn't want them. He had his reasons, and I related to everything he said. I always thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but now that I have gotten older. Now that I have seen the life you can live without children, I'm not sure I want them. The thing is...I'm not sure I don't want them either. I've also seen some of my friends with kids, and seen the joy and love that having kids can bring to your life.

So tell me...

Would you give up having kids to be with a man who didn't want children? What about if you, yourself, weren't sure you wanted kids? Would you give up the option of ever having them to, ideally, spend the rest of your life with an amazing man?

When it rains, it pours...

After a pleasant evening spent with Memphis, I woke up and had this email waiting for me in my inbox:


Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:52:40 -0700
From: Ashton
To: Ginger
Subject: Re: Hello

Hi Ginger.

I had a good time at the drive in. Wanna go out again? Maybe dinner and drinks. I will be gone this weekend. Maybe next week???

Let me know.

Ashton

For all those women out there who are wondering how to get a date (and trust me, I used to be the last person to say something like this) "Go out and get yourself one." I have never been the kind of person to ask a guy out, I always thought "the One" would end up being the one guy who actually took the initiative to ask me out. But, as you've all been reading about, it took ME taking the initiative to do something about a situation I was unhappy with. And I can tell you, it was totally worth it! The past few weeks have been a blast, and I've met some really great guys. And who knows if any of them will turn out to be "the one", but does it really matter? I've had some really great nights with some really different guys, and I've learned to just enjoy it as it is, not worry every second you spend with or without someone what will come of the relationship that's forming. Just enjoy it for what it is. And who knows what the future holds, it will reveal itself eventually...and you know, the sex isn't bad either!

Proof that dreams can come true...

Tonight I found myself sitting on my couch, watching Memphis doing my dishes half naked. Just a little proof that sometimes, every once in a while, dreams can come true.

(Nevermind the fact that I might have spent some time on my knees for this dream to come true, but in my world, that's totally worth it, and by choice mind you).

Character Profile: Ashton

Name: Ashton

Age: 26

How we met: We met through Yahoo personals. We haven't slept together yet (haven't even kissed...remember, he didn't walk me to my door after our date).

Relationship status: single, that's all I know so far...

Home State: California (northern)

Job: Structural Engineer

Random Tidbits:

• Loves fly fishing and the outdoors in general
• A little geeky and a few extra pounds, but he's kinda cute
• Super sweet
• Is from a very small town and is very close to his family

Note: I haven't spent as much time with him so I don't know that much yet, I'll add more as I learn it about him!

Character Profile: Memphis

Name: Memphis (he's lived in Tennessee, although not originally from their, and has the absolutely sexiest southern accent)

Age: 31

How we met: He responded to the second ad that I posted on Craiglist. We met for dinner the next night, spent 2 hours talking at the restaurant then spent another hour talking at my house, and then another 2 or 3...well...not talking so much (for those of you who can't read between the lines, that is code for 'had sex')

Relationship status: single, single, single. Had some long term relationships but is a wanderer (remember, not all who wander are lost, and he is definitely not lost).

Home State: Tennessee

Job: Becoming partner in a window tinting/auto accessory business, however, as he puts it "he works so he can play, he doesn't much care what he's doing as long as it let's him the way he wants to"

Random Tidbits:

• LOVES white water kayaking, was a rafting guide for many years
• Like I said before, he's a wanderer and has lived in a dozen or so states.
• He is funny and a little sarcastic, which is a great combination
• He has this ridiculously curly black hair which is great for grabbing on to in the heat of the moment
• I never would have guessed it when I first met him, but his entire back has this AMAZING tattoo (or the start of it) that he brother is doing for him. It's like a waterfall/forest scene. He also has like 3 other tattoos but unless he's just in a pair of shorts, you would never guess he has a single one. Tattoo's are kind of hot, they give you a chance to rub your hands all over someones body!
• He is all about marathon sex and is an amazing kisser
  

Character Profile: Dallas (formerly refered to as Oakley)

Name: Dallas (I refered to him as Oakley in this post because I couldn't think of anything better to name him, but Dallas is much better)

How we met: Craiglist. He is the first guy I responded to on there and the guy who stood me up the first night (got stuck at work, etc.). We slept together the first night he came over...

Age: 32

Relationship status: divorced (married for 8 years, married before he graduated high school), has 3 kids that live with their mom in another state, recently out of a 5 year relationship, dating others

Home State: Wyoming

Job: Professional electricial, works for his family's business.

Random Tidbits:

• Smoker, but a 'clean smoker' (i.e. I didn't know he smoked until he told me because you can't smell it on him or taste it on him).
• Likes big boy toys (trucks, boats, street bikes, etc.)
• His dad died a few years ago
• Has like 4 siblings (2 brothers and a sister)
• LOVES sport fishing, deep sea fishing
• Is obsessed with getting head

Character Profile's

I had a request to create profiles for the character's involved in my new found social life!

Bare with me, but I will try to keep them consistent so they are easily comparable. Hopefully these will help you all more easily follow my stories. If there is info I am leaving out, please let me know and I will try to add it.

Obviously, all names have been changed. I am going to maintain basic info about them but won't reveal specifics (like where they work, etc.)

It's raining men

So I realize I have been MIA for about 6 days now. I am sorry. But I have brought with me from the adventures upon the M.S. "This is Ginger's Life" tales of mystery, excitement and well, let's be honest...a little (or actually a lot of) sex. But a warning...this is a long one, you may need to read it in multiple sittings.

Sooooo...we all remember I was having a shitty week at work last week. It was bad. I'm still not sure it's alright, but I have been out of the office all week taking a well needed sabbatical from work (i.e. I am taking a class for work). However, I have also been working a few hours at night when no-one is around. It's nice, I actually get stuff done. But this tale isn't about my work worries, or my incredible long hours, or even about how I am so exhausted that it's entirely possibly I might sleep straight through the entire weekend. Nope, this story is better than that.

I can't believe that I am about to admit this, but a few weeks ago I created a profile on the Yahoo Personals site. I also posted an ad on Craigslist...under 'casual encounters'. So we all remember a few weeks ago when the guy from Tahoe asked me out, and that whole fiasco. I never called him back. But I will give this guy all the credit in the word because he jump started my ego. For many years I never had self esteem issues. Even though I've always been on the heavy side, I never had a problem hitting on a guy, or believing that I guy could find me attractive. That is until the last few years. When all the sudden it seemed like there wasn't an interested guy on the planet. No-one ever checked me out, no-one ever hit on me, no-one ever asked me out (except that REALLY drunk and REALLY gross old guy at the Silver Club one night...and even I'm not that desperate) and dare I say I think a few even saw me coming and ran in the other direction. I never hit on guys, I never persued guys, I started believing that no-one would ever or could ever find me interesting. I know this sounds all weeepy schmeepy but it was true. I mean I couldn't even get my old fuck buddy to actually follow through on any of his flirtatious text messages...and he lives like 5 blocks away...and seriously, what guy wouldn't stay up a little late for some sex. And the worst part about all of this was that every time I starting talking to anybody about this, the response was always 'what are you talking about? There's ton's of guys out there." OR THE WORST! THE ABSOLUTE WORST RESPONSE "you know if you stop looking you know you'll find someone." I FUCKING WANT TO SHOVE PEOPLE OFF A CLIFF WHEN THEY SAY THIS. FUCK YOU, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ANYTHING, HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING, BECAUSE NO BODY WANTS ME YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

That is until the other day I had my parents over. It was a few weeks after the Tahoe guy, when things in my head started shifting. It was also after I had both my ad on Yahoo (and had 1 guy that I had been emailing back and forth with) and after I had been chatting via email from a few I had met from CL. My mom has an uncanny ability to say the right thing at the right time. We were sitting in my living room after I cooked dinner for my parents and my grandma and my mom just looks at me, completely off the last subject we had been talking about and says, "I know when you're ready you're just going to pick a guy out and that will be that, he'll be the one. But you know, guys are kind of like shoes. It can be fun to try a bunch of different ones on just for fun. You never know if you'll end up finding something that you you in something you never thought you'd like." Awww, the wisdom of my mom (and you can see she realized the only way to get through to me is to appeal to my intense desire for shoes). After this something totally shifted. I was like 'what the fuck? There has to be someone out there that will well...whatever at this point..."

Let me go back to the ad's I posted. The Yahoo Personals ad was because I knew most people on that site were probably looking for something more serious. I also mentioned I posted an ad on CL's 'casual encounters.' You can assume what people are looking for if they are posting/responding to anything posted under that category. Let me back up for a second. I stumbled upon this one night, I was bored and had been on CL looking through job classified, through stuff people were selling, whatever. I wasn't looking for anything imparticular, I was just bored and clicking on things. Then I noticed the category 'missed connections' and I remembered posting on that once. I had been in South Lake Tahoe for a job interview. I was super early so I ran into the grocery store to buy a bottle of water. I was walking in and this very attractive, slightly older, fire fighter walked right by me. Our eyes caught and we both smiled and kept walking. A few steps went by and I turned to look at him and right when I did that he turned as well and our eyes caught again. We smiled, hesitated, but then we both went our separate ways. Still, to this day, I regret so much not chasing him down and at least introducing myself. Anyways, the point of this was to say that after that encounter, I took a long shot and posted something under the missed connections about our encounter. The only response I got was from a girl saying she stumbled across it and 'hoped he responded because the moment seemed too good to be true and would make a great story for our future children.' So I clicked on Missed Connections, or so I thought. My mouse had missed it and I opened the Casual Encounters. I got completed engrossed in looking to see what people posted on there. Everything from guys who seemed like they were honestly just looking to have a one night stand, or find a long standing fuck buddy, to husbands trying to have affairs, to so sick pervert who wanted a girl to...ummm..be a girl's...ummmm....living toilet paper. Yeah, you read that right. All the things you do with toilet paper, he wanted to do with his tongue. Can you see why I couldn't stop reading? It was like an awful accident that you just can't look away from. Did I mention I was bored? So I posed one under "W4M". Truthfully, when I first posted on this I really just wanted to see how many people (and what kind of people) actually responded to the ad. So I posted a pretty basic ad that just said "Single 25 year old, with a few extra pounds, looking for a cool guy to have a good time with." That's it. I got ton's of responses. Most were freaks, some were married, but there were a few thrown in there that seemed like decent guys. I mean, I realize you can't tell that from an initial email, but my comment is based on the fact that I responded to a few of them. Just to see. Mind you I did this all from a 'fake' email, that has nothing attached to my personality, or my name, so that way I could always just stop responding or delete the email account. A few of the guys wrote back. A few didn't. One, after a serious of emails, turned out to be married. But there was one who seemed like a pretty decent guy so I sent him a picture (only after he had sent me a few of him). I'm not sure what you're thinking about me at this point, and truthfully I don't care. The turn my life has taken (at least socially) over the past couple of weeks is worth any of you thinking to yourself "she did what?" or "I would never do that" or "I hope she was careful, there are a lot of freaks out there". I was careful. And I never thought I would do this either. But here I am. Writing to you about this thing called life. And truthfully, for a while now, I haven't felt like I've been living much of one. I needed a change in my life, whether it was professionally, socially or geographically and since professionally and geographically aren't realistic options, I choose socially. I digress...

I should probably mention a few things. I have been on a very, very long dry spell. I'm not going to admit how long because it is awfully embarrassing. But it's been a long time. Another thing. I wrote this post a long time ago when I was in the midst of being obsessed with Dog Park Guy. I never fully explained why I was really afraid he would say yes. One of the main reasons is because if he said yes, we would go out, maybe many times, and eventually, if all went as planned, we would have sex. I hadn't had sex in a very long time. And even when I was having sex, I never was having very much of it, and it definitely wasn't very good. I was scared shitless of having sex with someone I really liked and having no fucking clue what I was doing.

This guy (we will call him Oakley because he was wearing an Oakley t-shirt the first time we met) and me exchanged emails over the period of a few days and then decided to meet for dinner and drinks one Friday night. He never called. I sent him an email the next morning asking him what was up and that afternoon he responded that he had gotten held up at work, his phone died and then his car broke down on his way home at like midnight. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he wanted to come over. I wasn't looking for anything in him except someone to break my dry spell. He seemed nice enough, but, as crazy as this sounds, I just needed someone I could easily never talk to again, to make it start raining. It rained that night...for many hours a good rain fell. I realize I am completely insane in inviting a guy to my house that I have only exchanged emails and a few phone calls with, and I realize it could have gone wrong. But it didn't. It went very right. So my dry spell was broken. This was 2 weekends ago.

I kept talking to the guy from Yahoo, who admittedly is a little dorky, but seems like a nice guy. We made plans to hang out tonight. More on that later, we have another juicy story first.

So trust me when I say this, but if you are feeling down about yourself, there is nothing better than being hit on. Even if it's from freaks via email. When I posted that ad, and within minutes I had responses from interested guys, it was like "fuck, I am a sexy bitch". So take my word on this, if you are ever down in the dumps, create a 'fake' email, post something on CL and you will either be flattered or appalled, but either way entertained.

My first ad had turned up something good, so I figured I would post another one the other night just for the fun of it. Again, I really had no intentions of actually responding to anyone and then I got an email from a guy whose email had something to do with kayaking and could easily be made into a dirty joke, I won't share it obviously for privacy reasons. I couldn't resist myself so I wrote to him with my super duper cleaver line "So you either like kayaking or you have a very dirty mind?" Are you as embarrassed for me as I am? Good, I hope so! Although at this point I have no shame left so blush away for me. He wrote back "Both...do we know each other? You seem to know me too well already." We chatted back and forth and actually seemed to have a lot in common. But he made it clear he was looking for a long term fuck buddy, someone to have a good time with, hang out with on occasion for more than that, but really was not looking for something serious. Yes we met, and yes after meeting him, I understand why he's not looking for this. Truthfully, I'm not looking for that either. I feel like I have missed out on so many things in terms of relating to men, dating, sex and passion that I am just looking 'to try a few different styles on" and see what fits best and see what I can learn from the ones I decide don't fit. We decided to meet at a local bar for dinner and drinks last night. Right off the bat I really liked this guy. Things were so comfortable with him that 3 hours flew by before we even realized it. Since we had already talked about this, and since we had met with the understanding things would remain casual between us, I invited him back to my place. Do you think I'm a little slutty yet? Good, because I have been a good girl for way too long. We got back to my place and just kept talking. We talked about everything...kayaking, rafting, traveling, our lives, our families...even death. He was so easy to talk to and so much fun to be around. Things finally got a little lot heated and, well, let's just say we were still talking at 2am, except instead of being on my couch fully dressed, our clothes stayed in the living room and we were in my bedroom, and most of the talking that happend during those few hours was very X-rated. And very satisfying.

Are you sick of hearing about me having sex yet? How about an night that ended innocently? Or well, intended to. So tonight was date night with the guy from Yahoo. We decided to get take out and go to the drive in movie theater because they were having an opening night and it was free. He picked me up (I was running late as always), we picked up some take out from a little Italian place near my house and drove to the drive-in. Because neither of us bothered to check what time the showtime actually is (sometime after dark) we got there like an hour before the movie started. Which was actually perfect because we spent the time talking and got to know each other. We watched the movie and he took me home. He really is a little dorky, but super nice, and I told him to call me next week so we could hang out again. It was a really nice date. I mean, except he didn't walk me to my door, but a girl can dream can't she?

Then Oakley called shortly after I got home and the night ended a little less innocently than planned. And here I am again, at 1am, waiting for my laundry to finish so I can pack to go out of town tomorrow later today.

I know I didn't include details. I doubt most of you want many. I know Shannon is having a hissy fit right now that I am just revealing this info to her, but is probably jumping up and down in her seat because I finally got out of the dugout and may have actually found some decent guys to hang out with. I know you're probably thinking that 2 of them are only in the for the sex, and to that I would say "so am I!" Especially when it is as good as it's been...and when the gettin's good, the good keep gettin', right?

Dude, where are my clothes?

So it's been unofficial until now. And I didn't want to mention it in case the reality of the situation was that I was really so disorganized in my own life that I lost an entire load of clothes. But it's been 3 weeks now and I have searched everywhere (except the deep dark scary place called the trunk of my car...but I'm pretty sure they are not there...you know, unlike the cooler, the thing of firewood, the picture frames and the pair of flip flops that have been in there for close to a year...). It's official that a load of my clothing has been stolen. I live in an condo complex that has community laundry rooms which I use, but I can bear to think about giving up the precious space in my 'laundry room' for an actual washer and dryer. Plus I can't afford one. Plus I count it as exercise, since I have to walk up and down my flight of stairs at least a dozen times because I have so many clothes. I have lived here for coming up on 3 years now and never had a single problem (except people who leave their clothes in a washer or dryer ALL day so no one else can use that particular machine- assholes!). But about 3 weeks ago I did a crap load of laundry (like 10 loads worth of clothes, bed linens, towels, etc.). And because I didn't start until the end of the day, most of them ended up unfolded tossed in my guest room, on top of my blow up guest bed that I still had out from over a month ago when someone stayed at my house. I've slowly but surely either put away the laundry or shuffled through the pile to get clothes to wear. Over the past few weeks I felt like certain items were missing, a favorite pair of jeans, my favorite pair of running pants, an old ratty UNR sweatshirt...I really just thought I would find them all laying right at the bottom of the pile when I finally put it all away, which I did last weekend. Guess what? They still were MIA. Then I thought "maybe I've worn them and don't remember, and they are really in my dirty clothes pile?"...this is still not proven, but I am pretty sure they are not in there. Then I thought "maybe I threw them in a garbage bad and hid them in my closet while I was frantically cleaning my house before I had some guests over the other night" (what, don't tell me you've never done that! Come, I remember all you out there who admitted to hiding dishes in the oven! Don't think I don't remember!?!). But, alas, they are not there. So I am pretty darn sure that someone stole a load of my laundry from the laundry room. I am more confused than anything, but gross, I totally would not touch someones clothes, and seriously, how fucked up do you have to be to steal someones clothes from the laundry room. But I'm a little pissed off too, because (of course) the load that got stolen contained 3 of my favorite pair of jeans (including one that I have not been, until recently, able to fit into so I have been holding them hostage in my closet until I lost a little weight) and my favorite running pants (which I searched high and low to find). Aggggg, what kind of person would take someone else's clothes?

So here's my plea...

To the freak who stole my favorite pairs of jeans and running pants. Could you please return them? No questions asked. You can keep the ratty old sweatshirt and any of the other miscellaneous clothes that were in there, I really just want the jeans and the running pants back. I'll even trade, I have about 10 bags of clothes I am giving away, you can have them all if I can just have the aforementioned items back.

Thank you clothes-stealing-freak!

I haven't died, I promise...

So I am first of all going to totally embarrass Shannon over at Misguided Mommy. For those of you who don't know, or haven't figured it out yet, Shannon and I are long time friends. We have known each other since we were in elementary school, and except for a brief period where I (unsuccessfully) tried to divorce her, we have been great friends!

I have been pretty much MIA for about a week now, I don't think I have talked to anyone except a brief conversation with my mom a few days ago. It has been a bad work week, and on top of a totally fucked up sleep schedule that I have somehow adopted (like going to bed at 2 am and waking up around 7), I haven't been in the mood, or had the energy, to do anything except hibernate. I got this email from Shannon on Wed. when I failed to return a phone call (from Monday):

Subject: ARE YOU ALIVE

DUDE!!!!!!!!!

When I responded I had to go out of town at the last minute (after working all day Monday, I had to drive 5 hours), which is why i was MIA, she wrote back:

Subject: i'm lame

so. when you hadn't replied even though i knew you were okay i started to think, what if something happened to her. and it is safe to say, i would have a total mental breakdown. not to mention, i dont think your parents realize you and i are close again, so i think they wouldn't keep me in the loop. but safe to say. fulll on mental break down, so don't die mmkay.also. That is super shitty about Elko. I think you should get out of town pay. LIke when rob was in construction he was salary, but he was still put in as 40 hours per week, that way if he went out of town he would get 30 hours at reno rate and 10 hours of out of town rate!

Then, because apparently I was having a super memory day, I remembered back to when we were younger. In middle school I went on a school organized trip to Spain, France and England with a group of classmates. It was shortly after there was a horrible plane crash that killed a bunch of people. Including a (or multiple groups of) school organized class trips like the one I was one. I was pretty much not in contact with anyone except my parents when I was on my trip but when I got back I had a message from Shannon on my machine (because I was a super-cool teenager with her own phone line...what were my parents thinking!). The message was like 5 minutes long (ok, maybe I am exaggerating) and featured Shannon crying and, through the tears, telling me how much I meant as a friend and that she didn't know what she would do without me and how she just started thinking about that other plane crash and...ahhhhh, for someone who doesn't like giving hugs, she is a great friend (mushy mushy).

Ok, embarrassed much, are you now Shannon?

Anyways, like I said I have been having a bad work week. As of today (Thursday) I have already worked 45 hours, and I still have to work all day tomorrow...I have also traveled to Elko and back (in a 16' moving truck, none the less). I am exhausted. And frustrated.

A while back I had my annual review (which was more like my 1 year a 5 month review because it got delayed so much). One of the things I brought up is that I don't really have an interest in managing other people any more. I am completed overloaded at work and just feel like everything is suffering because i don't have the time to think, let alone try to manage other people. Plus, even though I have definitely gotten better at managing people, it's not for me. I thought for a while it was, but it's not. I'm ok with that. I'm just not sure how to proceed from here. Shortly after my review we had organized a third party staff evaluation to come in and take a look at our company and give us some outside points of view about what we are doing and what we should be doing. We've kind of put any major changes on hold until after the staff evaluation because of what it might say. The only thing is that both of the employees that i manage right now were supposed to have their 6 month review. So I did them, except I didn't have enough time to prep for them beforehand, and just did it the morning of their reviews. Which I realize is totally unfair to them. Except the fact that I gave them both raises so I doubt they really care much. Up until now, I've pretty much been giving the responsibility and authority to do this with little to no input (unless I asked for it, which I normally did). This time I didn't because, like I said before, I had so little time to even think about it that I did it right before I me with each one of them. Then I sent a summary email to my boss and my supervisor and no-one said a thing back. And then I talked to my boss a few days ago and she was like "when I come in on Thursday let's meet about their reviews." and I was a little confused so i asked why and she said "well it's just that we were kind of on a freeze for everything like this, reviews, raises, future plans, for everyone until after the staff evaluation. I mean what's done is done but I think we all need to met to discuss it more." This was never really made clear to me, but the more annoying part is that today I was all ready to meet with them and they both totally forgot about it, so we ran out of time and never met. Now we are supposed to do it tomorrow but, well, whatever. We'll see if it happens. I've thought about it and, with the exception of my decision to give them raises, everything I talked about in their reviews I had already discussed with my boss and my supervisor months before, so I was really just reinforcing ideas that were already in play. And yeah, I fully admit I probably screwed up by not clearing their raises, but it's never been an issue in the past.

Except the difference now is that for some reason, it seems like I slowly just keep getting downgraded and downgraded. Not in pay, but, well...let me explain. Are you absolutely bored with my work rants yet? You can stop reading it you want, but I need to get this out so I shall continue.

When I first started, my position was technically supposed to be equal with the technical director. I fully realized this wasn't the case because he had close to 10 years of experience and I was fresh out of college, but I pulled my weight, and did a damn good job at it. Things were all good, until we hired Mr. THIC (remember him?) as an operations manager so my boss could step back from the daily operations of the business. We all know how I felt about him, for many many reasons. Admittedly one of them was that all the sudden, him and the technical director were equals and I was slowly sinking down the food chain. Fine, whatever, I minded my own shit and took care of my responsibilities. Then the OM quit and there was this bizarre shift of power that occurred. The 3 'managers' (me, the technical director and the sales and marketing guy) all met and decided we would meet and work through some things as a team until we decided to hire a new OM. Things were going great until the past few weeks (months...maybe it's been that long). Now all the sudden it seems like I have completely been removed from any decision making. I haven't even recently been told about major changes in one of our long time staff members (from full time to part time, giving up her supervisor duties) which dramatically affects everyone. This decision was made like 2 weeks ago and i just found out today. On top of that, we had this staff evaluation and it seems like sales and marketing guy (because he happened to be the one to volunteer to organize it) was also given the first copy of the report. Which seems very strange that it didn't go directly to my boss, since it (supposedly, I still have no idea what their findings were) has some sensitive staffing issues/information. But I know my boss has discussed it with both the technical director and the sales and marketing guy. We are meeting tomorrow as a group to discuss it, but it still definitely makes me feel like the odd one out.

On top of all of this, it has been a very strange dynamic between my boss and me since she went on maternity leave (or actually before, after she hired the OM). We are very similar to each other and were always very friendly and chatty (not in a 'friends' sort of way, but in a very friendly boss-employee sort of way). She would come to me with my input about ideas, she would run things by me. She would stop by my office and say hi, ask me about my weekend plans, etc. We now just have this awkward exchange when she's around the office and she does all this with the Sales and Marketing guy now. It got really awkward today when they were in his office talking and she asked me to come over there and then presented an idea about making a pretty dramatic change about something that am currently in charge of. They phrased it as a question, like "What do you think about this and that?" and when I started to say I didn't really think it was that good of an idea, it became very clear that they weren't asking my opinion on it, they were telling me they had already decided it was changing and that they were mearly informing me of it. I've made it clear I want to change the focus of my position because I am not all that happy about certain aspects of it, but it seems as though these changes are being made without anybody actually telling me they are changing.

I am just feeling so frustrated. Like to the point where the thought of quitting my job has crossed my mind. And while I have no intentions of doing that (and well...financially can't), it frustrates me that I feel like while I am sitting in my office dealing with the things I am supposed to be dealing with, everyone else is making plans that affect me without even giving me the courtesy of telling me. I don't know, I am probably just overworked and need a good night's sleep, but at least I got to vent for a minute. Are you still reading? Don't you have better things to do than listen to me complain about my bad work week?

I am so mature

I was just on the Internet doing something that required me to enter one of those validation codes that is hidden in a squiggly mess of artwork to the point where you can barely read the note, just to verify I'm not some spammer or some shit...anywho, how much does it say about me that I giggled out loud when the code I got was "psuy"

...for those of you who haven't already found this slightly dirty (and funny), put on your dyslexic hat and switch a few of the letters around!

Hanging your dirty laundry out to air...

I read this post by Jen over at Lost in Translation the other day and it got me thinking (well more her comments got me thinking)...what's your dirty laundry that needs airing?

She was talking about setting a schedule for herself to clean her house and get her chores done. Sounds all fine and dandy to me, best of luck I told her in a comment. I wish her well!

I, on the other hand, generally only clean when I am having company over. Which doesn't bode well for unexpected company. But since I have no life, I also have very little unexpected company. Of course it means I can't go to the bar and pick up on some random guy and bring him home with me...because I would be too embarrassed by my pile of dirty laundry in my hall. Or my pile of clean laundry next to my bed. Or my pile of dishes in the sink. Or maybe I could just hide them in the oven like I did when I knew my dad was stopping by (it was easier than explaining why the dishes from when I made them dinner on Sunday were still in my sink on Tuesday when he picked up my dog). Or well, I would probably never go to a bar and pick up a guy so I really have nothing to worry about. And even if I did, we're going to his house because I don't want some stranger to know where I live anyways.

But there you go, I have been known on occasion to hide dirty dishes in my sink for a very short period of time to avoid the snide comments about my lack of desire towards doing mundane household chores. I, after all, have better things to do with my time (like watch Hell's Kitchen).

P.S. I DID actually do my dishes last night. But (as my mom might have pointed out on another occasion) only because I wanted to cook something else and needed the pots and pans to do it. And the forks and spoons to eat it. Because as of last night I had 3 small plates in my cupboard, and 3 knifes. The rest were in the sink. And, on a whim, I decided to make the following last night: beef stew (a giant pot full of it) with polenta, banana bread muffins and artichokes (for dinner, since the beef stew wasn't done until 11pm). I have completely lost it!

As a side note:
Criteria #1 for any applicants for the position of Ginger's dream man: Must be willing to do dishes whilst keeping the snide comments about my utterly unbelievable overuse of dishes whilst cooking to a minimum. Ability to do dishes while naked is preferred, but optional.

A Letter to my Grandchildren

A few years before my grandpa passed away he had this plan to start writing a series of letters to his grand kids to share his wisdom with us. This is the one and only letter he ever wrote but I will cherish it forever because it is one of the few memories I have left of him, besides the pictures of course. And the book that he wrote. And my love for scuba diving, and my hate of seafood. And my ability to cheat win when playing cards. My sister got his love of gardening, I got his love of desserts!

A Letter to my Grandchildren who I am very proud of and who I love very much.

I have a few thoughts that I would like to pass on to you and hope they will be of some value to you. As one lives (gets older) he or she passes through many stages in life and accumulate experiences which hopefully contributes to wisdom.

Life is not easy, particularly as a teenager -- pressures of learning, finding out who you are, wondering what the future holds, peer pressure many times in conflict with parent wishes. Having a set of values and guidelines will make decision making and choices easier (not always easy, but easier).

HERE ARE MY SUGGESTIONS AND THOUGHTS, WHICH I HOPE WILL BE OF VALUE TO YOU.

Remember you are where you are today because of what decisions you made yesterday so what you do today will determine where and what you are tomorrow. Give thoughts to the meaning of these words and you realize how important it is to make the right decisions today because will affect the rest of your life.

Remember no one is better than you and of course, you are not better than anyone. If you feel this way you will not talk down to anyone nor will you find it necessary to talk up to anyone. I have found that using this philosophy I would be accepted and respected by almost everyone I came in contact with (children, older people, blue collar or top management). With this approach to life you develop a style of conducting yourself. I will give you one example of how it helped my in business. At one time I was employed by AMF Voit selling and promoting water sports equipment. I remember calling on a big account in Massachusetts who had three sales people in the diving department. While most salesmen ask for and cultivate the manager (which I did also) I took the time to acknowledge all the personnel in the department. After a year or so the manager left and the lowest sales person (not lowest in ability but in time employed) was made manager. Guess who became their major supplier? I selected this example because it illustrates how all people are important and should not be treated as if they are beneath you or of less importance. Because they are not in charge at a particular time, only God knows what the future holds.

Mike Kelley, Vice President in charge of sales at AMF Voit when I worked there, closed all of our sales meetings by saying, "don't forget to walk tall". A simple statement until you think about the deeper meaning. Carrying yourself with confidence -- shoulders back, etc. you give the appearance of someone in control...someone you can trust...someone who belongs. I can't remember how many times (in department stores, offices, even train stations) people have come up to me and asked if I was the manager, head of security or asked for directions or been singled out to lead or take control of a group. When you see me now, you see a middle-aged man of 76 with a limp and slightly bent -- just remember I still walk tall and hold to all the beliefs already stated and those that follow.

To really be content and happy you must want something. An example would be a high school graduate who has no particular direction. He or she usually takes the first job that comes along. It could be in a fast food restaurant, factory, or office and will plod along doing the same thing at the same level for the rest of their lives. The same graduate who wants something - to be a nurse, fireman, business manager, musician, doctor or lawyer, etc., this will direct his employment and efforts towards obtaining that goal deriving pleasure in progressing in the desired direction.

Hold on - keep reading - the end is near.

I believe one should not lie, steal or cheat. Always do your best, the very best no matter what chore is request or required of you. Pay your debts and do not make lenders come to you for payment.

Not only do I behave in the above manner, I have lived by these beliefs. I hope these thoughts will be of help achieving your goals and bring you happiness. NOW GO WALK TALL.

Love you,
Grandpa Charlie

P.S. Don't relax too much, because more thoughts will follow soon.

I found this the other day and it hit a chord with me. Struggling through this journey, trying to find who I am, trying to uncover what the future holds for me, my grandpa's word's serve as an inspiration on how to live my life, long after his is over.