On the edge of a cliff...

I have something to come clean about. I had set a goal for myself that I have failed on. I said that the next time I ran into Dog Park Guy that I would ask him out.


I have run into him. Many times. And not just ran into him, but stood there in the park having 45 minute long conversations with him. Many times. We had those conversations that could have easily turned into marathon, all night long conversations with no point, direction or purpose except seeing who could talk the longest without falling asleep. The kind of conversations that come so easily you don't even realize it has been 45 minutes....or 4 hours. We have shared silly stories about our lives, our families and our jobs. We have talked about politics, religion, and of course, baseball. We have talked about past relationships, what we want in the future and, well, of course, our dogs. They are the type of conversations you build a relationship on. Over time, the conversations have gotten more and more intimate...or personal I should say. Over time the details have gone from our weekend plans to random discussions about politics and relationships; over time the foundation of trust and a friendship has been built.

I always forget, until I have one of those conversations, how much meaning and feeling a good conversation with the right person can hold. I am always amazed that just sharing words with someone, words strung together into meaningful phrases can take on so much power and leave you feeling refreshed, excited, happy.

They are the type of conversations that verge on the edge of something more. Of a future. But the future that they verge on the edge of has never become clear to me. It's that fact that leaves me walking home by myself, wondering what the future holds. There is never what I would consider flirting, but there's always the mention of something more...of 'seeing you tomorrow.' But there has never been anything more, except these great conversations.

Last night I was eating dinner with a friend and she asked me if I had seen the Dog Park Guy. I said I had and she, being the brave and confidant person she is, gave me a hard time about not asking him out and when I started to blabber off excuses about why I hadn't ask him out, she responded with "But then why hasn't he asked you out?" And ta-da, my whole problem! Now I am completely aware of the fact that I could have easily put more meaning behind these conversions than really exists, but I really, deep down in my heart, don't think I've misjudged this one. Leaving me to wonder why he hasn't taken any action. Is it possible he has this same internal conflict going on and it is just a matter of time until one of finally gives in and takes the risk, leading to happily ever after...or is there a reason he hasn't suggested we catch a movie or grab a bite to eat?

I'll admit that I am scared shitless of asking him. It's not so much the actual asking him that I am so scared of. At this point, I've found a person I really like, a person I get along with and have tons of things in common with, a person who I have these great conversations with, and I am afraid that just by asking a single question, if I misjudged his feelings, that could all be taken away. Instead leaving me with awkward confrontations or with me trying to avoid him until one of us moves, instead of these great conversations with a person that I feel could be a great friend.

When you're on the edge of cliff, how do you know when you just jump in head first without looking back...and how do you know when you should stay safely on the edge, with the wind blowing in your hair?