So unprofessional.

I've never been the kind of person who cries a lot. By the way, I am supposed to be preparing right now for the following things at work tomorrow: interviewing more people because the last receptionist that we hired lasted 3 weeks (although she only actually worked 4 days and 2 hours), my mid-year review and reviewing one of my employees (let me rephrase, the one person I currently supervise). Instead I am blogging...

Anyways, back to my random train of thought...while preparing to review someone else it got me thinking to my reviews. In my first year, I had a review at 3 months (preliminary to make sure I did well enough to get past the 'probation period' and so I could ask for more money because I started for a lot less than I wanted), a review at 6 months (again, for a possible salary increase because I started at a lot less than I wanted) and an annual review (my actual review, although the others were actual reviews as well, but most people don't get reviews at 3 and 6 months). In every single one of my reviews, I cried at some point. I have no explanation for why I cried. It had no hidden purpose (like making my boss feel guilty or because I was so unhappy or so elated with joy I felt I needed tears to express my feelings). It's like my boss and I start talking about my job/my performance and the water works just turn on (just FYI, my reviews have always been favorable, with room for improvement, accompanied by salary increases). I try to stop them but then I just sit there because when I am about to cry all I do is stop talking because once I start talking the tears start flowing. So I start talking because I can't sit there like a dumb ass and the tears start flowing. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I have no idea why I do this and it makes me feel like a hack and that everything coming out of my mouth is fooey. My boss always said it isn't a big deal (benefit of having a female boss perhaps?) but I still feel totally unprofessional and wish I could stop it. The last time I made it ALL the way to the last portion where we talk about what direction I want to take in the next year and boom, on came the waterworks even though I knew what I wanted. AUUUGGGGG! It is so aggravating that this happens!

As I said, I am not a crier. I generally only cry over the deaths of loved ones (people and pets, probably more so pets...does that make me a bad person that I cry more over the death of my pets than I do over the death of loved ones?) I also have cried when I really hurt myself (like the other night when I slammed my foot into my bed, I collapsed on the floor in a flurry of cuss words and then cried just a little bit...it REALLY hurt) or during some movies. But seriously, I can't believe I do this because it is totally not like me...but i guess it is probably better than excusing myself from a meeting concerning my performance and locking myself in the bathroom for more than an hour and then pretending like the meeting never happened. Like say, some people might do.